Surround yourself with sources of strength

I watched a documentary last week about a group whose motto was “Strength through Unity”.  Members spoke about how being in a group helped them feel stronger in their beliefs and their commitments, both to each other and to their cause.

It got me thinking about where I get my strength from.  Whether we are talking about a certain project or just life in general, we all draw strength from somewhere, something or someone that keeps us going when we feel like giving up.

There are two types of strength to draw from: internal and external strength.

External strength comes from people or sources outside of ourselves.  Some external sources of strength include family, friends, volunteering work, community work or community members who have done something inspiring.

Internal strength comes from our own inner reserves: strength through self discipline, meditation, fitness training, personal study, education are some examples of internal sources of strength.

To find out where my sources of strength come from I had to ask myself some questions.

• Do you believe strength comes from being united with a group or cause?  Or from a single power source?
• Do you get strength from doing things for others?  Or for being something – a published writer, a mother, a teacher, a nurse/doctor or other health professional?  Sometimes it’s the respect and recognition from the title we are given that we get the most strength from, not the action that got us there.

I’ve read about people with cancer drawing strength from someone else who has had cancer and survived.  Often it’s the story of someone who has gone through what we are going through that gives us strength.  Someone starting up a new business or managing a successful business is a wonderful source of encouragement if we’re trying to do the same thing.

When we’ve found our source of strength it’s important that we keep as much of it around us as possible.  If there is someone you admire, whose work, efforts or success makes us want to work harder, surround yourself with their work. Whatever makes us stronger is worth indulging in – a lot.

With so many sources of strength around me every day, it’s hard to pinpoint exactly where I get my strength from.  I draw a lot of strength from the stories of writers who have struggled.  Lionel Shriver’s book We Need to Talk About Kevin was rejected 30 times before finding a publisher.  This gives me strength (and courage) to keep writing because if a book as great as WNTTAK gets rejected and Shriver refuses to give up, I know I can keep going. I draw strength from people who have taken a small one-man business and built it into a million-dollar company.  Their dedication and hard work inspires me.  I draw strength from people whose work may go largely unnoticed and unappreciated and yet they continue to do it every day – nurses, teachers, those working in war zones to try to improve the life of others.

So, my most common source of strength is external, outside myself.  But as I get more confident in my writing I find I am able to draw on a growing pool of inner strength that wouldn’t be there if it weren’t for the many who’ve inspired me to keep going.  I surround myself with their stories every day and I know I wouldn’t be here today if it weren’t for their example.

A writer’s best tool, and its evil opposite

Writers increase their chance of success the more they write.  That’s why most tips from successful writers start with the advice “Just write”.  Write anything and write often, they say.  To do this requires discipline, and lots of it.

I’ve learnt this year that discipline is probably a writer’s best tool because it’s the thing that gets you to the computer or notepad when you least want to be there. And it’s the thing that keeps you there.

I’ve also learnt that, to a writer like me, the worst thing to encounter is distraction. I’ve had a week of distractions – reading, housework, gardening, phone calls – that have resulted in a lot of wasted writing time. These distractions are lethal to my writing because, as I know too well, if I don’t get these words down on paper they could be gone forever.

S.J. Parris wrote “I find it easier to write when I am not tempted to other pursuits.”  To avoid temptation takes discipline and a bit better organisation of my workspace. To help avoid distractions I need to:

1. Clean up my desk. If I have books and magazines and other notebooks cluttering my workspace of course I’m going to be distracted. All time-wasting temptations need to be hidden from view.

2. Set a timer for 1/2 hour and focus on writing continuously for that 1/2 hour.  After a 5-10 minute break I can start another 1/2 hour round of writing.  This helps me to push those distracting thoughts to the side when I can say, “I’ll get to that in 10 minutes when my time is up”.

3. Turn off the computer. When I write on my computer I find it’s far too easy to open my web browser or email. Before I know it I’ve lost an hour or more of valuable writing time . I’ve started writing everything in a notebook and then typing a rough draft on my Neo. Only when I’ve got the draft finalised and I’m happy with my work do I transfer it to the computer.

4. Remind myself there is a time for everything.  When I was working 9-5 I had set times to do my laundry and cleaning. I’ve since thrown that aside because I have so much more flexibility now but I think it’s best to go back to the schedule I had when I was working. That way, it’s all done on the weekend and I don’t need to worry about it during my writing time.

5. Exercise more discipline.  I need to focus on the task at hand and keep that focus.  It’s like using a wide-angle lens on a camera.  There are so many things in the picture that the focal point of the photo can sometimes get lost.  I need to get my zoom lens on and target one task at a time. And stick with it until it’s done.

In setting these rules for myself I also need to remember that everything takes practice and discipline is no exception.  Like any form of training I may be a bit weak at first but I will develop stronger self-control the more discipline I use.  The more disciplined I become the more writing will get done.  The more writing I get done the happier I am at the end of the day. It’s a small price to pay for a great reward.

Stay committed to your decisions

I made an important decision this week.  Having made this decision and seen the resolve that comes with making a firm choice, it made me realise how important the decision-making process is.  It might be the most inactive part of our plan, something we can do before even getting up in the morning, but it is as vital to our success as any other work involved.

The word decision comes from the Latin word dēcīdere, meaning “to cut off”. So, to decide something is to cut off all other options and choices and choose only one path or action.  It’s a way of determining what you don’t want as much as what you do.

Making decisions is something we do every day and often more than once every day.  It’s like taking a road trip – we are forever determining which direction to take and which road will take us there.  We can’t travel two roads at the same time. A decision is made, we take one route and the other way is no longer an option. If we can’t decide which road to take, we could end up driving around in circles or, at the very least, taking twice as long to reach our destination as if we had just picked a road and stuck with it.

Decisions have to be made that will help us reach our goals.  But who makes your decisions? Marilyn Manson said, “A lot of people don’t want to make their own decisions. It’s much easier to be told what to do.“  While it is easier, it definitely isn’t the option that will make you happy.  Many people that I speak to feel powerless in their own lives because they are letting others decide for them.  Your decisions are based on your wants, your goals, your dreams and your needs.  Someone else’s decisions are based on their wants, goals and dreams. Making your own decisions is how you get to stay in control of your own life.

Not making a decision, or letting others decide for you, can be just as costly as making the wrong decision so what have you got to lose?

I made a decision this year to quit working in a job that made me miserable and find work that I love.  It hasn’t always been easy but in making that decision I “cut off” all options that would lead me back to work I didn’t enjoy, even if it did offer certain security.

More importantly, it was my decision.  No-one decided this life for me. I have days where I am struggling but it makes it easier to remember that.  If I were struggling because someone else had decided this course for me I’d be resentful and angry.  But it was my decision and my choices that put me here, no-one else’s.

Every successful person I know made a decision to succeed.  That decision was all they needed to get started because it determined what they would say yes or no to in future. Whether they decided to lose weight or start their own business, they made a decision and excluded all choices that wouldn’t get them there.  And once their decision was made they stuck by it. They lived by the words of Tony Robbins who said “Stay committed to your decisions, but stay flexible in your approach.”

My approach my differ but I’ve made my decision and, for now, it still feels like the right one. That’s not to say I won’t one day decide to change course again.  We all have the power to change our minds and I might decide in future that it is time to go back to more secure employment.

But that’s a decision for another day.

Making everyone happy will make you miserable

I have spent the majority of my life as a people pleaser. I could put it down to being the oldest child and being expected to be there for my younger siblings or parents any time they needed me. I’m sure there is some kind of psychoanalytic theory that has the perfect explanation as to why people work so hard to please others. But the bottom line is this: I like doing things that make other people happy.

However, lately I’ve noticed I do have my limits. There is only so much I can give before starting to ask, “when am I going to start getting something back?”  Does that make me selfish? Probably.  But what’s so wrong with being selfish once in a while?

I have lived my life by other people’s standards, someone else’s rules, putting other people’s ideas into action, praising other people’s success and getting no credit for my role at the end of it all.  I have had to bite my tongue when giving opinions because they may be “too offensive” while listening to everyone around me freely voice their opinions on whatever comes to mind.  I am usually the first to arrive and the last to leave, just so I’m sure I get everything done.

While this part of my personality has always annoyed me it’s come up again today because I hit a landmark last night: I said “no” to a work request.  And it was wonderful!  Usually, no matter what is on my plate, I’ll say yes.   Because I can do the job asked of me. Because I want to help out.  Because I always say yes.  Last night, I said no.  I said it politely and with a smile, I didn’t make up any excuse, I just said no.  It was so liberating!

Yet you can’t imagine how guilty I have felt since.  I know that will pass because, as well as guilty, I feel so happy for taking that stand.  It was a small stand, yes, but for a people-pleaser like me it was huge.

It was also a reminder that it’s not wrong to want to want to look out for myself once in a while.  I still love helping people, and hopefully that love will never leave me, but I’ve got to help myself once in a while too.  I’m useless to everyone if I’m busy wallowing in my own little pity party because I’ve taken on too much and have no-one to help me out.

Which brings me to the second problem with us people pleasers – we never ask for help!  Even when we need it.  Especially when we need it.  So as well as taking on too much, we also feel like we have to do it all ourselves when we become snowed under.  No wonder I was so miserable for so long.

Yes, it’s definitely a good feeling to put myself first for once and really act on what I want to do, not what I think I should do. That’s my lesson for today: striving to make everyone happy will only make me miserable because it can’t be done.  I can’t please everyone.  I can, however, make a difference to my own life by recognising that pearl of wisdom.

And, trust me, the guilt for saying no doesn’t last anywhere near as long as you think.  🙂

I love it, but can I live it?

Making a living from what you love sounds like a dream but I’ve come to realise that it is possible.  While there aren’t many people in my immediate circle living this dream I have found so many inspiring stories in blogs, newsletters and books written by people doing just that – living their dream.

One of those people is Chris Guillebeau. I have been a follower of Chris’s blog (The Art of Non-Conformity) for a while now and was eager to read his latest book, “The $100 Startup: Reinvent the Way You Make a Living, Do What You Love, and Create a New Future“.  I was excited about this book before I even read a page of it because of the philosophy that Chris has that he shares with his followers every week. I knew it was something I wanted to read and, more importantly, take on board and use to live the life I want.

When I did finally read his book, I wasn’t disappointed. He had me hooked from the first line: Imagine a life where all your time is spent on the things you want to do.

I did imagine it.  That’s why I left my job at the beginning of this year, because I could imagine that life.

I’ve always wanted to write and to make a living from my writing, and that is what I’m working towards every day.  I’ve had jobs where I loved the work I was doing but I knew I couldn’t do it for the rest of my life.  I loved it, but I couldn’t live it.  I’ve had jobs where I loved the people I worked with more that the actual work I was doing.  Again, I loved it (because of the people) but not enough to want to do it forever.

Writing is the only thing I love so much I can imagine doing it every day for the rest of my life.   I love it, and I can most definitely live it.

Today, I am living the dream.  And I encourage everyone to give it a go.  You have no idea how wonderful it feels to know you live a life doing what you love.  I didn’t believe it once either.  But it’s people like Chris Guillebeau and Barbara Winter whose inspiring lives, encouraging words and wonderful books have shown me that it is possible.

The proof is also in the thousands of people who have made big changes and are successfully living their dream every day. Now that I know they’re out there, I want to join them in their pursuit of something better.

Secrets of successful people (Pt 2)

Never underestimate the value of a beautiful sunrise.

Another common trait in successful people is that they know their value and they know they’re valuable.

I have been in a few jobs where I walked away thinking I was worth nothing because I wasn’t valued in that role.  Successful people know that just because they or their opinions aren’t valued doesn’t mean they themselves are without value.  They know they have something to give and they give all they can.

Every success story revolves around a product or service that had value to someone and the person behind it working on getting that to people, regardless of setbacks or opposition.  This is hard to do if you see yourself, or your product, as worthless.

Let’s face it – there will always be people telling you that you can’t do something and some of them will even list some pretty decent reasons why this is so.  But if you are confident in the value of your product (and yourself) you can overcome these arguments.  Even if you are starting with nothing in the way of cash or assets, knowing that you still have something of value to give can help you succeed.  I’ve read about this so many times – people starting with nothing and still succeeding – and these stories always inspire me to keep going:

• Australian entrepreneur Dick Smith started his million-dollar empire with just over $600;
• Robin Chase started the successful car-sharing company Zipcar and GoLoco.org (a carpooling company) with only $78 in the bank;
• The creators of Guitar Hero were about $2 million in debt by the time they launched their product (their company later sold for $100million);
• James Dyson, developer of the Dyson vacuum cleaner, owed around $4 million by the time he sold his product but was able to pay it back within five months of that first sale.

How much faith must these people have had in themselves that they continued with their plans even when things seemed so financially dire?  I can’t even imagine being $2 million in debt.

As a writer, I’m in one of those fortunate positions where my only start-up expenses are pen and paper.  Maybe a computer. What I have, that I attach value to, are the words that I put down on that paper.  Not everyone is going to value those words, and some have tried very hard this year to get me to give it up and return to the stability of a 9-to-5 existence.  But I no longer listen to others’ evaluation of me.  I am the one who determines my worth.

Again I think of all those authors whose books were rejected countless times before finding a publisher:

• Gone with the Wind – rejected 25 times;
• Jonathan Livinston Seagull – rejected 40 times;
• George Orwell’s Animal Farm;

Even Dr Seuss was rejected at first for being “too different”.  Today we can appreciate that his being different is what makes his books so wonderful. The words and stories of these authors were not appreciated in the beginning, but when they found that publisher who saw the value in what they had written, it was like striking gold. These authors had found someone who valued their work as much as they themselves did.

Today, it’s enough for me to know that I have something worthwhile to say and I’ve invested in myself so that I have the chance to say it.

Let’s just hope that, one day, my investment pays off.

Why I’m lost without lists

I can’t remember where I read the story about a woman in a fluster every day because she had too many things to do and too little time to do it.  At the request of a work colleague, the woman sat down and made a list of everything she needed to get done that day.  Half an hour and two full pages later, she was still writing.  When she stopped and looked at her list she realised the reason she had been going crazy was because no person could possibly complete all these tasks in one day.  She had overwhelmed herself with a list of tasks that a team of people would have struggled through. Seeing it all on paper brought her back down to earth and made her realise she was putting too much pressure on herself.

I live my life by lists and I love this story because it reminds me that, while I can have extraordinarily productive days, I am limited in exactly how much I can get done in a day.  Yes, there are times when I’ve managed to get more done than I thought possible.  But it’s better if I know my limits and start my day with a prioritised list of tasks.

Picasso said, “Put off until tomorrow only what you are willing to die having left undone.”  While this isn’t the best advice to be going through my head some days (you know the days I’m talking about), it is a timely reminder that there are some tasks that are more urgent than others. The real benefit of making these lists each day is that it gives me a chance to prioritise – to look at everything and determine what needs to be done, and what can wait.

It also helps me if I note a projected time-frame for each task.  It’s easier to put that dreaded phone call at the top of the list when I see it’s only going to take five minutes. Which means only five minutes into my day, I can cross off my first item.

Lists are especially invaluable to writers.  I have compiled a few lists while writing my book: contents, points I want to make in the story, important points of interest for the storyline, and so on. As I incorporate these things into my story I cross them off.  I keep lists of articles I want to write, blog topics, market opportunities and writing projects, and all these lists keep my workday productive and ensure I always have something to work on.

I love using lists as a learning tool as well.  When researching, I list 10 things about my subject, instead of taking extensive notes, and the facts are more likely to stay in my head.  In meetings all my notes are organised by lists.  I can expand on these points later but keeping a list of every item brought up in the meeting helps important points stick out.

I can’t promote the benefit of lists enough.  They help keep my head clear and are a great tool for helping me be more productive in every area of my life.

And now I get to cross another item off today’s list!

When bad memories echo our past failures

How cruelly sweet are the echoes that start,
When memory plays an old tune on the heart.
Eliza Cook

 The Grand Canyon (photo courtesy of Ratte at Wikimedia Commons)

It isn’t always easy to drown out the echoes of our past experiences. We hear the echoes of dreams we once had, echoes of loves we once treasured, echoes of ambition we once believed in, echoes of happiness we were once completely lost in, echoes of sorrow and heartbreak we thought would kill us, echoes of friends we no longer see.  While most people would call these memories, I prefer the word “echoes”, because the feelings, associations and recollections reverberate through our everyday actions and, for some, the response to that echo is as strong today as it was years ago.

I have returned home from a recent holiday more determined than ever to not let those echoes disrupt where I am and what I have to do today.  I still feel the echoes of past failures and they seem to have gotten stronger over the years.  But I’ve realised that the reason they seemed stronger was because, while the original failure has passed, I have kept it alive by repeating the discouraging words that accompanied it any time I felt low or discouraged. And these words really do echo through my head sometimes, very loud and clear.

Anyone who has ever heard an echo will know what I’m talking about here – the reflected sound is an eerily perfect production of what we first put out there.  Sometimes the sound is still clear even after the third or fourth reverberation.  Even when we can’t hear the words anymore the sound still hangs around for a few more repetitions. And what do most of us do when the echo stops?  We shout out something else and spend another minute listening to our own voices talking back to us.

I realise now I have done this for years – kept the echo of some of my more negative experiences going just by keeping the memories reverberating through my head, never letting them fade.

Memories are a way of holding on to the things we love, the things we are, the things we want to be, the people who mattered.  But it sometimes works against us, reminding us of the events and people that hurt us, goals we failed to reach, plans that didn’t pan out, words that were spoken in anger. I’ve listened to the echoes of negative memories for long enough.  I need to stir up the echoes of more positive memories and get them going through my head for a while.

As we near the halfway point of 2012 I’m proud of how far I’ve come this year.  I have stepped out of my comfort zone and am determined to work on something that matters to me for a change.  Each day is mine and I can do what I love.  It’s time to let the old echoes fade away and make space for new memories, ones that will echo in years to come and make me smile with gratitude and appreciation.